Universal Life Church - Church Bloopers

Universal Life Church

CHURCH BLOOPERS

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High" Don't let worry kill you ~ let the church help. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church.  Please use large double door at the side entrance. Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights.  She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy! The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church.  Children will be baptized at both ends. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet.  All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. Thursday night ~ Potluck supper.  Prayer and medication to follow. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"  Come early and listen to our choir practice. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing "Break Forth With Joy". During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him.  After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m.  The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. Pastor is on vacation.  Massages can be given to church secretary. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children. The associate minister unveiled the church's new giving campaign slogan last Sunday:  "I Upped My Pledge ~ Up Yours." Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine.  Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference ...  The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall.  Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again." giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.  It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.  Don't forget your husbands. Smile at someone who is hard to love ... say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. The Peacemaking Meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict. The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the water"  The sermon tonight:  "Searching for Jesus". Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.  They need all the help they can get. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions.  She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are afflicted with any church. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service.  The pastor will then speak on "It's a terrible experience". CHURCH FUNNIES The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.  Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.  "Here's a copy of the service, he said impatiently, "but you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more.  Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist! The Church Gossip Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.  Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic.  George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away.  He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house ... AND HE LEFT IT THERE ALL NIGHT!!! Standing at the Pearly Gates Standing at the pearly gates of heaven, Albert noticed pointing to two paths.  One was marked "Women" and the other marked "Men." He took the path assigned to men and then came upon two more gates.  The right-hand gate had a sign that read "Men Who Were Dominated By Their Wives"; the other gate read "Men Who Were Boss and Dominated Their Wives". The first gate had an endless line of guys waiting, but only one little guy stood before the male domination gate.  Albert was undecided, so he walked up to the little guy standing all alone and asked, "Why are you standing at this gate, a little punk like you?" The smallish fellow replied, "I haven't a clue.  My wife told me to stand here." Church Remodeling The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."  Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder.  He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."  Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge." He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head.  He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!" Meeting after the Service "There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service," announced the pastor. After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting; but there was a stranger in their midst.  He was a visitor who had never attended their church before. "My friend," asked the pastor, did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?" "Yes," said the visitor, "and after that sermon, I'm about as bored as you can get!" Pulling teeth ... A minister just had all of his teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes. When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way. The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures ... and I couldn't stop talking. Free Offering A little child, in church for the first time, watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear him say, "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five." Daily Prayer Dear Lord, I'm proud to say, so far today I've got along alright; I have not gossiped, whined or bragged, or had a single fight. I haven't lost my temper once, or criticized my mate.  I have not lied, I have not cried, or loudly cursed my fate. So far today I've not one time been grumpy or morose, I have not been spiteful, cold or vain, self-centered or verbose. But, Lord, I'm going to need your help throughout the hours ahead, So give me the strength, Dear Lord, for now I'm getting out of bed. Picking the Hymns One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money.  He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate.  He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed a $1000.00 bill.  He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.  The pastor asked her to come to the front.  Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him." After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen." A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us." A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.  "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?" A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.  Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?" Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.  She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot." Spiritual Gifts During the French Revolution, there were three Christians who were sentenced to die by the guillotine.  One Christian had the gift of faith, the other had the gift of prophecy, the other had the gift of helps. The Christian with the gift of faith was to be executed first.  He was asked if he wanted to wear a hood over his head.  He declined and said he was not afraid to die.  "I have faith that God will deliver me!" he shouted bravely.  His head was positioned under the guillotine, with his neck on the chopping block.  He looked up at the sharp blade, said a short prayer and waited confidently.  The rope was pulled, but nothing happened.  His executioners were amazed and, believing that this must have been an act of God, they freed the man. The Christian with the gift of prophecy was next.  His head was positioned under the guillotine blade and he too was asked if he wanted the hood.  "No," he said, "I am not afraid to die.  However, I predict that God will deliver me from this guillotine!"  At that, the rope was pulled and again, nothing happened.  Once, again the puzzled executioners assumed this must be a miracle of God, and they freed the man. The third Christian, with the gift of helps, was next.  He was brought to the guillotine and likewise asked if he wanted to wear a hood.  "No," he said, "I'm just as brave as those other two guys."  The executioners then positioned him face up under the guillotine and were about to pull the rope when the man stopped them.  "Hey wait a minute," he said. "I think I just found the problem with your guillotine ..."